you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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