Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
