3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm so fucking centered right now
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
