ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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