Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
