Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
