I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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