You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
