it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
