I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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