I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
