peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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