Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
