Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
