The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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