**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
