Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
