lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
