ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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