I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
