What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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