am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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