I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
