I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
