i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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