Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i need some magic done to my vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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