there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Houston, we have a squirter
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
