bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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