I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
