I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
bring money and cleavage
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
