I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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