dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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