I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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