You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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