Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
