he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
