Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
