About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
