She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Farmville is her only friend.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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