I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We just shotgunned beers for America
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
