You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
