hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
