Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
