neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
