1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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