it hurts more in the daytime
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
