I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
