Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
