It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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