Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
