We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
